Keep in mind that sometimes your thoughts tell you important and useful information about yourself. For instance, you might think, Hmmm, I really should get out and exercise. That kind of voice is not the problem. Usually, however, there are other, negative voices attaching a huge amount of judgment to such thoughts—I’m lazy, I’m ugly, I’m bad, and so on. Learning to be less susceptible to these negative voices and cultivating loving-kindness for yourself does not mean ignoring the wisdom that comes from seeing yourself clearly.
What is Loving-Kindness?
Loving-kindness is truly not that hard to experience. Contrary to what you might think, it is not a mystical quality reserved for sages and saints. Loving-kindness spontaneously arises in many of us quite frequently throughout our lives. Right now, bring to mind someone you love—someone with whom you don’t have a very complicated relationship. (Your ex-partner is not the best choice for this exercise.) If you cannot think of someone, think of your favorite pet—a dog, cat, or other animal. Babies also work well for this exercise. As you imagine, sense, or feel this being in front of you, check into your body and notice what you are feeling. When I offer this exercise, people tend to report a warm feeling in their chests, a smile on their lips, some relaxation, and perhaps an expansive quality in the body. What are you feeling? The feeling that arises doing this exercise is exactly what I have been referring to as loving-kindness: the natural wish for another to be happy. The feeling may be accompanied by thoughts and a set of bodily sensations. But when you feel it, you recognize it. Further, you can cultivate, deepen, and expand this lovely quality that arises in your mind. So first learn to acknowledge the goodness that is already present. Second, learn to deliberately cultivate it more and more, so that it can increase within your heart and mind. Third, let it become who you are (even if that’s still down the road a bit).
Step One: Recognizing Loving-Kindness
Once you become conscious of loving-kindness, you can recognize when it is present in your life, which may be more frequently than you would expect. I have noticed how often people tend to not notice their generous or kind feelings. I believe it is important to take a moment to acknowledge when we have kind thoughts, say kind words, or engage in kind actions. It is valuable to see that you already have feelings of loving-kindness and to appreciate yourself for your innate capacity to love and experience compassion. The more you recognize this capacity, the more it will grow and eventually become a state of mind to which you return. Those who tend toward depression or self-criticism are especially likely to ignore or miss their own kind, loving, and generous moments. The more you are able to acknowledge their daily occurrence, the more evidence you accumulate that your innate loving-kindness is the antidote to the part of you that feels sad, hopeless, or inadequate. Perhaps for a day, just count the number of times you feel compassion, empathy, love, or kindness for another being, whether that being is a plant, an animal, a human, or yourself, regardless of whether or not you act on such feelings.
Step Two: Practice Loving-Kindness
Ultimately, as we practice over time, loving-kindness tends to become more and more who we are. You will likely find yourself naturally being kinder, more forgiving, and less judgmental to others as well as to yourself. You might notice words or feelings of loving-kindness spontaneously appearing in your mind. You might notice yourself reacting with kindness in situations where previously you would have reacted with fear or contempt. When this shift happens—over a period of time that differs from person to person—it is startling. When you begin to touch it, however, you know you are touching your deepest capacity for love, present within you all the time.
A Loving-Kindness Practice to Connect With Compassion
You can do this practice daily, weekly, or as you feel so inclined. You may wish to do it for several weeks or on an ongoing basis. You can also do loving-kindness practice in combination with your mindfulness practice, either beginning or ending the sittings with loving-kindness. In that case, just do loving-kindness for a few minutes. The full meditation could take up to ten minutes. Excerpted from FULLY PRESENT: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfulness by Susan L. Smalley, PhD and Diana Winston. Copyright © 2022. Available from Hachette Go, an imprint of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
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